Saturday 31 May 2014

Reflections and sun shine.

The eve of my birthday and thoughts are turning to the year that's just gone. It's been almost a year since I last blogged properly, a lot has happened. A whole winter season has passed, I was in my darling mountain town Morzine and once again I am back on my darling Mediterranean island Mallorca. The seasons come and go, so quickly. Tomorrow will be the first birthday that I won't get a call from my Dad to wish me happy birthday and to tell me that I must've been a good girl because the sun is shining. Dad lost his battle with colon cancer, from a diagnosis in May 2012 to his death in September 2013, the time just flew. I think the reason I haven't blogged since that happened is because I still just don't know how to put into words all the emotions. To watch someone who was so strong and full of life just disappear before your very eyes, literally wasting away day by day and there is nothing, not a single fucking thing, that you can do to stop it, it is the most horrendous feeling in the world. I'm so thankful that my sister and I got there when we did, a few days later and it would've been even worse. At least we got to share his last lucid moments with him and he knew we were there. I got to repay some of the kindness he always gave to me and some of the caring, helping him in his last few days, holding his hand when he was scared in the night, feeding him when he became too weak to do it himself, drying his tears when every now and then one would escape his eyes and roll down his gaunt, pale cheek and all the while trying to hold mine back. But still, even now, I know that I cannot say what I really want to because the words that are deep inside me just won't come, there is a blockage somewhere, I need to find it to get rid of it. I feel like I'm edited and I can't figure out why. I feel dull and lacklustre if I'm honest, not just about my feelings on my father's death, and the ensuing family fall out, but about a lot of aspects of my life.

But come now, on the eve of your 37th year Trine, it's surely got to be about positivity (be like a proton!) and being thankful for what you have and looking ahead, but not so much so that you forsake the present. Hopefully this year the curve balls will stop, at least for a wee while. I keep saying this and I desperately want it to happen, I want to get my ducks in a row. I have a bit of a disjointed existence that needs to come together again so that I can set off on adventures galore. I am thankful for so many things and so many people. My family and my friends, their support, friendship and love astounds me time and time again, it is wonderfully warming when you know that you truly can count on people to be there for you. My health, for the most part it's pretty good, apart from the blasted skin cancer which has made a reappearance. Yeah, that happened, that scar on my forehead, if I told you it was from smashing my head on a kitchen cupboard, sorry that was a lie. I guess I'm thankful that I look half decent with a fringe, cos this hairstyle is staying for a while! I'm thankful for my sense of humour, without it I would have struggled over the last little while. I'm thankful to nature, for inspiring me and intriguing me, awing me and making me want to explore. I do want to explore so that has got to be my top priority, keep going, seeing, doing, different places, faces, adventures. As Buzz would say, to infinity and beyond! There's really too much to be thankful for and there's too much good stuff happening to hold onto the bad. One day something will shift inside me and whatever is blocking the grieving, will fix itself and I will find the words for those emotions I keep deep down.

So on the eve of my 37th year, I have decided that tomorrow (or later today cos it's got that late!), my birthday, 31st of May I start my personal 100 days of happiness challenge. I will record it and share it and live it. 37, you will be a good year, even though as a number you're pretty meh, 37, it's not got a 5 or 0 in it, it's a middling kinda number, neither here nor there. Maybe I'll give 37 purpose and meaning?!

I wonder if the sun will shine tomorrow?

x

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